National Work Life Week: It’s not you, it’s your manager

To kick-off Channel Eye’s week of articles marking National Work Life Week, Dr. Louise Lambert, Director of Happiness Programming & Policy at HappinessMatters, explores how managers impact employee well-being, and offers practical advice on improving workplace relationships for a healthier work-life balance.

You’ve felt it; we’ve all felt it. You leave work with an awful sinking feeling that maybe it is your manager negatively influencing your wellbeing. You’ve done mindfulness, you’ve tried to be clearer in your communication, you’ve even kept your mouth shut to not argue. You’ve also double-checked with your peers, and everyone agrees, it’s your manager.

Some managers are outstanding. They care, ask, communicate, apologise, follow-through; they are transparent and when they don’t know, they find out. They defend you and ask what they can do to make your life better. They are the managers we all want.

Others are not. From being demeaning, indifferent, dismissive, withholding information, undermining work, implementing ridiculous deadlines, making you work weekends to test your commitment, to staying silent, managers impact your wellbeing.

And it’s not a little. Studies suggest it’s as much as 70%! They influence your wellbeing as much as an intimate partner and more than a doctor or psychologist. It’s critical that you get a good manager, but what can you do if you don’t?

Ask around. Colleagues can give you feedback about the situation. If everyone has a good relationship with the manager but you, you’ll have to examine yourself. That is, are there things you need to take responsibility for? Are you as kind as you can be? Do you have performance issues? Take care of these and own up. In contrast, if this is an issue many people are having, ask how they are dealing with it and what helps.

Express your concerns. For this, you’ll need to be neutral in your tone, non-judgemental and non-accusatory, it’ll only make your manager defensive otherwise. You can calmly and kindly say, “I notice in meetings that my ideas are often dismissed and there are times when you roll your eyes at me, for example. It makes me feel very unwanted. I’d like us to get along better and if I’ve done anything to offend you, I’ll certainly apologise. I’d like to fix this for both of us; can you help me understand how?”

You might not get a constructive response, but what this very direct, yet kind approach does is let your manager know you will call out the behaviour directly. They may leave the meeting feeling ‘caught’ or embarrassed by their behaviour and that may be a turning point. Often people engage in bad behaviour because no one says anything, and they may not realise what they are doing. Alternatively, they may get defensive. If that happens, don’t take it personally, they may have a hard time seeing themselves.

Take care of yourself. In situations where outcomes are uncertain, you’ll need to take care of yourself. That includes setting boundaries (i.e., spending less time with some people, not engaging in gossip or drama, or saying no to requests that were never yours), taking your breaks and lunch, asking others to be in the room to act as a buffer, or focusing more on your life outside of work so that work affects you less.

Reach out to HR or higher management. They may be aware of the situation and perhaps a plan is in place already. Alternatively, there may be other roles for you in other teams or departments. Be mindful however that some organisations protect certain people at all costs and that might be the manager! Consider your options carefully. Is this where you want to remain? Are there healthier options elsewhere?

If you decide to move on … don’t simply look for another job. Look for a better manager! In your interviews, ask about the training that managers receive. Meet them beforehand for a coffee. It’s worth the time; you don’t want to say yes to a role only to find yourself in the same situation. Ask what processes are in place to deal with interpersonal conflict as well as practices to build better relationships. It’s also a moment to consider what you could do differently to set things on a good path.

Having a 1 to 1 with your new manager to ask how they like to be communicated with, what they expect of you as a team member, and how they see you fitting into the organisation can help. Shape the way together.

Managers are people. For the most part, managers are good people in tough situations. They may not have the skills for managing or struggle with their managers. And sometimes, they are not right for the job. In any case, use a healthy dose of empathy. It can be a nice gesture every so often to ask how they are doing or bring them a coffee if you are getting one yourself. It’s not about scoring points; it’s about humanising them. Kindness, extensions of care and interest go a long way to softening the environment. Plus, they will also move on over time, and you may encounter them again in other organisations.

If you have a great manager – stay put! But if you don’t, do not despair.

If you have a great manager – stay put! But if you don’t, do not despair. There are always things we can do to improve relationships to be more tolerable and, in some cases, to rebuild trust and kindness. But you may have to take the first steps and that can be anxiety-provoking as well as empowering. Help yourself by pretending you are a manager having a difficult conversation with a team member. This will help you act from a kind, yet assertive manner. Fixing things is sometimes the bravest thing we can do.

It may be the case that you decide to move on and that might also be a good decision. Learn from the recent past, get clear on how you’d like future roles and interactions to look and take the initiative of finding a manager who can take you to that next level of greatness.

Staying to fix things indeed takes courage, so does quitting and forging a new path.

Dr Louise Lambert PhD is the Director of Happiness Programming & Policy at HappinessMatters based in the United Arab Emirates. She is a researcher in positive psychology and conducts training in the development of high-quality connections for managers, as well as employee training in positive psychology for a better quality of life.

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